Emotional Intelligence: A Strategic Advantage for Women

In this episode, as part of our ongoing Learning Circle series, Packaging and Processing Women’s Leadership Network (PPWLN) leader Jan Tharp and organizational psychologist Dr. Cranla Warren join the pod to discuss emotional intelligence (EI) and its unique value for women. Tune in and discover strategies to balance empathy with authority, manage emotions effectively, and foster authentic connections.

Becca Welsby: As a part of our ongoing learning circle series today, we're talking about emotional intelligence. There can be a lot of misconceptions around what emotional intelligence is and how important it can be to our success within our careers and relationships. Today, I'm joined by PPWLN leader Jan Tharp of Infinium Spirits and Dr. Cranla Warren, an organizational psychologist. So, ladies, my initial question is, how is emotional intelligence defined

Dr. Cranla Warren: Emotional intelligence, also often referred to as EI, is essentially the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions while also tuning into the emotions of others. So, when you think about it, as humans, we are social and emotional beings, and this awareness helps us navigate social complexities. We can make empathetic decisions not just for our own personal gain, but to help us get to win outcomes. And EI skills help us manage conflicts more effectively as well. So, I'd say there are two sides to EI. There's looking at the intra-personal experience. There's this internal dialogue we have with ourselves. It might be positive, sometimes it might be critical and not so helpful. And where EI comes in is that we are able to tap into self-awareness instead of this binary thinking. We can see our strengths; we can see our weaknesses; we can see our triumphs, and we can see our frustrations for what they are instead of assigning judgment to them, whether thinking that's right or wrong or good or bad. And this is that whole idea of discernment. So that's the intra-personal, inside ourselves, and then there are interpersonal skills. Those are the social skills. And you've heard me say this before: emotions drive our behavior, so we feel, and then we act. And one aspect of EI is the experience that I have within myself. The other is my experience in how I engage with people. And if we pause and reflect on our internal experience and manage our emotions, and manage ourselves first, we're far more likely to have the impact that we want to have and create the outcomes we want to create.

Becca Welsby: So now that we've defined emotional intelligence, how really does cultivating it benefit us, especially as women in the workforce?

Dr. Cranla Warren: Emotional intelligence can be a strategic advantage actually for us as women in the workforce. Because it's very true, it can help us navigate unique challenges like balancing empathy with authority. Overcoming, I can speak to the experiences I've had as a leader in corporate North America, overcoming stereotypes and biases and especially around emotional expression. So when we have high EI, we can communicate our needs clearly, we can advocate for ourselves, we can advocate for our team members with confidence and clarity. It also allows us to communicate our needs assertively and read nonverbal cues better. And as I said before, the number one thing that I work with leaders on is how to navigate difficult conversations more effectively because you really have to have a lot of courage to step into them and you have to have skill to do them well. So I think in environments that may still undervalue women's voices, EI becomes a tool for things like presence; I do a lot of work around leadership presence, influence, and building strong, authentic, trusting relationships. So leveraging EI competencies, we can balance empathy with assertiveness, not aggressiveness, but with assertiveness and making decisions that are compassionate and confident.

Jan Tharp: Yeah, it is, and you're right, it's a balancing act, and it's about looking, as you mentioned, you're in a situation, and you're really collecting data. I don't know if you'd agree with this, but you're looking at the situation, and it's almost as if anyone's been in one of those Tesla self-driving cars where it's on autopilot. And you think about that, I had a discussion with one of the drivers, and he says, "Autopilot is better than a human being because it's taking in all of this data and it's making rational decisions as to what it does." And so that's what we're doing. We're in a situation, and we're taking in data points, we're taking in. Does the guy across the room have his arms crossed? Are they listening? Do they have a scowl on their face? Or you're taking in all of this body language, the tone of people, how you are feeling, and they're all data points. And EI is the ability to take all those data points and figure out, okay, what's my next step? How am I going to use this data to move this discussion forward in a really constructive way?

Dr. Cranla Warren: Yeah, I love that.

Jan Tharp: It goes back to a better outcome. How do you improve the outcome of a situation?

Dr. Cranla Warren: One other thing that just popped to mind about EI and benefiting women in the workforce. Again, thinking of my coaching clients, so many of them feel under pressure to do it all. So they're managing family and elder care and children and work and oh my goodness, the household and partners and on. So this is, again, because we talked about the balance between professional and personal lives. EI can help us to recognize and set personal boundaries. To your point around data points, we're taking in all these data points so we can recognize what's coming in and set up our personal boundaries. And then by understanding and managing our emotions, we become role models for each other. That's another thing I've been trying to set up in the workplace in terms of peer role modeling and advocating for a balanced and healthy work culture. So I think that there's a lot here for women to dig into around what is there for you in terms of developing, honing, practicing, being in lifelong practice with EI skills.

Jan Tharp: To your point, it is emotions that drive behavior, and your emotions are just this culmination of everything that's happened to you. So if you've had a crappy morning and you sat in traffic and everything was wrong, and then you go into a meeting and you haven't taken the time to decompress and level set your head, then you're bringing all that baggage into the meeting. And that could absolutely drive your emotions, which will then dictate the outcome. So you mentioned it; it's self-regulation, understanding how your body talks to you and what those trigger points are so that you could pause and say, "Okay, I'm going to take five seconds before I answer that question." Instead of saying something that you might regret because you're just saying whatever comes to your head.

Dr. Cranla Warren: Yes.

Becca Welsby: Have that one moment for your brain to scream and then say, "Okay, we're done. Put that away now."

Dr. Cranla Warren: Yes. And I love that a lot because in the literature, when you're looking at emotional intelligence and what the competencies are, the first thing is pause, and you've talked about that already, Jan. The second is to breathe or oxygenate. We need to get oxygen to the brain because otherwise, we're shutting it off. When I was coaching women, I was talking about running between meetings and coaching women around the world. So they show up on a Zoom call, and they're literally not breathing. So the first thing I do is some breath—

Becca Welsby: So what do you think some things are we can do as leaders or as team members or as parents that can help those around us really develop their emotional intelligence and ways we can encourage that growth in those people that look to us for guidance?

Dr. Cranla Warren: So I think ne of the most powerful ways that we can foster EI in others is by modeling it ourselves. Practicing active listening, managing our emotions and our reactions, showing empathy, and creating environments where the foundation really and the thread in the blood of EI is the social intelligence piece is helping people to feel seen, heard, acknowledged, valued, and appreciated. And rather than defaulting to our own stories our own agendas, and we can encourage reflection in both colleagues and children; we can ask questions like, how did that make you feel? What could we do differently next time? That whole idea about no failure in looking at feedback or feeding forward. And that can help promote the other person's self-awareness and emotional growth. It's really about creating safe spaces where curiosity about emotions nd open communication are valued and can be tested and can be played with. I have a five-year-old grandson who now meditates with me. He lasts for 30 seconds and then sees that this is boring and he gets up and goes. But I'm role modeling something for him that is something that now I'm finding a little child app that is more appealing to him. He's also developing emotional competence in his language. He has an emotional vocabulary, "I feel sad. I am angry, I feel frustrated." And my daughter and my son-in-law, they're raising both kids this way, they've already started this. And I think we've talked about active listening already. That whole idea of a leader staying calm under pressure and showing empathy, and being clear on expectations and communication, that sets the tone for everyone else to follow. For instance, if a team member makes a mistake or has a failure, there's some feedback, a leader might handle it with understanding rather than anger or frustration and talk about this mishap in a way that encourages growth and learning, to build on Jan's point. What am I learning? How am I moving forward?

Becca Welsby: So is there a way to determine where we're at in our emotional intelligence journey and discover what our strengths are, what we need to work on and find some of those resources?

Dr. Cranla Warren: So there are lots of tools online that can help us assess our emotional intelligence. And as I said, I used to work at Institute for Health and Human Potential, it's also known as IHHP, and they still offer a free EI quiz online, so I'm pretty sure it can still be accessed by their website. And assessments like this can really highlight strengths and areas for improvement. For example, if you score high in self-awareness and lower in self-management, you might focus on techniques for managing stress or reactivity and self-regulation of how you respond under pressure. And so these little insights are great. They're a great starting point and can help guide where we want to invest our time and our energy for our own growth. The other thing I would add is that because I have my own truth people, my truth counselor, reflection, and feedback from trusted colleagues or mentors can be really important. So a colleague may notice that you tend to get quiet in high-stress situations, something that you may not have realized about yourself. So you can reflect on that feedback, and it allows you to take targeted actions to look at what do I need to improve and grow in that particular area.

Jan Tharp: I think that's an excellent observation. And regardless if you are in a leadership position or wherever you are in your career, have what I call a personal board, and the people who are on my personal board don't even know they're at my personal board. But they are people who I know will tell me, "You know what? You were wrong there." Or, "You know what? You probably shouldn't wear that again." It's a mirror, and it's not the people who are always telling you, "Oh yeah, that's great. That's perfect." You want the people who are going to give you the feedback and tell you when you're out of line because, trust me, we are all out of line. We're humans and thank God that we are not perfect because it would be boring if everybody was perfect. But you do want to have that feedback with someone that you trust and someone who cares about you and your personal growth to give you that feedback.

Becca Welsby: And someone that doesn't have their own agenda in the feedback they're giving you.

Jan Tharp: Exactly. And a lot of people who work for you are not good people to ask. It's usually maybe somebody who's not even in your business. One of my best personal board members is my hairstylist because she knows everything about me, and she will tell me, "You are so crazy." This is why you want that.

Becca Welsby: Can you give any advice to someone who was emotionally tenacious but is now struggling with co-workers and dreading the workday?

Dr. Cranla Warren: I think that, honestly, a lot of people have been struggling since COVID not to lean back on the pandemic. But a lot of the work I do, people became disconnected and so we don't have the same kind of depth of relationship that we maybe had prior. When I hear that, the first thing I go to is self-care. What are you doing for yourself to feel whole? What are you doing for yourself to first feel connected to yourself? Because we really need to feel connected and whole before we can start connecting with other people. And to feel emotionally tenacious, I'd say, fill up your well. What are you doing to fuel yourself? I'll have to think about that because I just think that there's a lot of nuance here, but really, I'm back to start with self. That's where I'm going with this. What are your thoughts, Jan?

Jan Tharp: I would agree, and I'd say maybe take inventory of your positive qualities. Because it's also good sometimes when you're in a situation where, and I actually know the feeling of sitting in your car, not wanting to open the door and go into the office. And the way I handled that one was, hey, okay, I've got to get to noon, so that's four hours. I can make it four hours, and then at lunch, I'll leave. And then I've got another four hours. So, I compartmentalized it to get through. But I think that, not knowing the whole story, I agree with you about self-care. I do an inventory and write down everything that you know you're really great at or all of your great qualifications, your great attributes, and that becomes this mantra of no matter what's going on outside, you don't lose sight of how special you are because every single person is.

Becca Welsby: I always remember reading something back in college that was, if you're deciding whether you want to go to grad school or you're ready to graduate, or it was taking stock of the days you're excited to be there versus the days you dread, and if one is outweighing the other, that's your decision. And so I always think about that when I'm about to transition jobs to say, how often are the bad days outweighing the good? Have I outgrown my role here, or is there something I can change? And I think that's part of taking stock of, are you letting other people dictate how you feel or do you still have more to gain from being where you are?

Jan Tharp: That's good advice.

Dr. Cranla Warren: Yeah. There's an exercise called Reflected Best Self. We're starting with self and you're feeling like you're sleeping well and you're eating well, and you're energized and you're caring for yourself. I love this whole idea of having other people reflect back to you, like Jan's hairdresser, reflecting back to you what your gems are. And I use that a lot in coaching as well. And it's basically asking people a question, "Tell me a time when I impact you positively." Because sometimes we have to reintroduce ourselves to ourselves. And going to someone who's trusted and who cares about us might be a nice way to do that. And I say that because we need to fortify ourselves, that intrapersonal piece, before we can dive into the interpersonal piece.

Jan Tharp: Let's underline that comment because I think that is really key. You can't charge up a team if your batteries are dead. That's essentially what you're saying. And you've got to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. I'd underline that statement.

Becca Welsby: So I guess if I had to ask one thing, what would you say one takeaway everyone should have from this and a one little elevator blip would be the most important key takeaway to our talk today?

Jan Tharp: I would say that emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey. And celebrating that journey is a pretty incredible experience because you're growing as a person.

Dr. Cranla Warren: So well said. Elevator pitch. I guess for me, emotional intelligence is an essential skill and strength. It's foundational. So, it's foundational to how we behave and react. And so it is worth putting the time into exploring what that can look like for you, like cultivating and growing your EI skills. What can that look like for you? If you're neurodiverse, what can that look like for you? Whatever might be going on, what can that look like for you? And developing EI will help you not only understand yourself, but also connect with others in ways that can inspire trust and build relationships. So I think when we're talking about from the work perspective, it's the glue that helps leaders lead, and teams come together for strong collaboration and better outcomes, as we started off this discussion.

Becca Welsby: So Jan and Cranla, thank you so much for your expertise and your time today. We really appreciate this. This was a great conversation. Thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate it.

Jan Tharp: Thanks, Becca.

Dr. Cranla Warren: Thank you. Pleasure to be here.

Jan Tharp: Thank you.